Lumberjacks and Pining for Harry
by Kevin3
Summary: Yet another one of my parodies. The unfortunate victim: Rampant FF.net Songfics


This is a parody to all those songfics out there.  I'd say more, but this one is pretty straight forward.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  I don't own anything.  Leave me alone.

All the students leaned forward, ready for the start of term feast to begin.  Dumbledore had decided to give the announcements before the feast, and Harry could already hear Ron's stomach growling.  Harry amusedly thought _The__ more things change…_

However, Harry's good mood abruptly ended as Dumbledore made his last announcement.  "Finally," Dumbledore addressed, "all students will be required to learn a song to sing up in front of everyone.  The performance will be in the third week of class."

Harry involuntarily cried, "WHAT?" but his words were drowned out by the majority of the students also expressing outrage, and even a few of the professors as well.

When the noise finally died down, Dumbledore explained, "I realize that you all have had bad experiences with this type of thing.  However, it has been 3 ½ hours since the last songfic has been posted.  We need to do our part to match quota.  And in order to make sure that the songs are performed well, we will be canceling the first three weeks of class.  Prefects, please lead your charges up to their beds."

Needless to say, the first three weeks of school, if you could call it that, were nothing short of torture.  All anyone did was ask each other what song they were singing.  Harry had to admit that he usually had more fun in Potions.  Seemingly several years worth of suffering later, the performance day arrived.

Dumbledore stood before the nervous students and called out, "Ok, the first performer tonight is Draco Malfoy."  Draco got up on the stage, since of course any castle which serves as a school automatically comes with a built in performance hall.

Draco closed his eyes, obviously not wondering where the new theater had come from.  Music started to flow from nowhere, and Harry whispered to Ron and Hermione, "What's going on?  Where's the music coming from?"

Hermione softly answered, "This is a songfic.  It doesn't have to make sense, Harry."

"Oh, right," Harry said, silently cursing himself for his stupidity.

However, Draco opened his eyes and started singing, distracting Harry from his self effacing.

_"…And time goes by_

_so__ slowly_

_And time can do so much…_

_Are you still mine?_

_I need your love._

_I need your love._

_God speed your love to me…"_

Draco finally ended his song, which relieved Harry to no end.  Dumbledore walked back on stage, wiping tears from his eyes, and said, "That was beautiful, Draco!  Did you have someone in mind during that song?"

Harry insistently muttered, "Please not slash.  Please not slash.  Please not slash…"

"Oh," Draco said coyly, "it was for that special green-eyed someone out there…"

Harry sighed, and said to his friends, "Thank goodness.  For a minute there, I thought this would get gross.  And I never knew Draco had a thing for Mandy Brocklehurst."

Ron and Hermione looked at Harry in disbelief.  Harry looked back at them and asked, "What?  You didn't know Mandy had green eyes?"

Hermione nervously giggled, and Ron simply shook his head.  Dumbledore continued, "Our next performer is none other than your potions instructor: Professor Snape!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione gasped, clearly not expecting this.  Apparently Snape wasn't either, and loudly yelled, "No!"

Dumbledore shot Snape a pleading look and said, "I said, our next performer is none other than your potions instructor: Professor Snape!"

"THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!" Snape roared, "I DON'T SING!"

"Severus!" Dumbledore said sharply, "This is a song fic.  You will sing, even if it doesn't make sense."

Snape snarled, but walked up to the stage.  Harry leaned forward, anxious to hear his least favorite professor make a fool of himself.  Snape loudly said, "I didn't want to be a potions professor.  I wanted to be… a lumberjack!  Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of… no… mighty rivers of… no… NO!  Must.  Resist.  Curse…"

"What?" cried a new voice, which made Harry's head turn.  A strange looking person stood in the theater isle, drawing more and more odd looks.  The new arrival saw the curious glances and said, "Oh, calm down.  I'm just the author."  The author suddenly noticed Harry's gaze and loudly called out, "Potter!  Harry Potter!  Why, it's a delight!  I'll have you know I covered your mum and pop.  I swear, those two were so in love…"

Harry shrunk down in his seat, trying to avoid all the sniggering from around him.  The author didn't appear to notice Harry's discomfort, and said back to Dumbledore, "Something's wrong with the Imperius curse.  Severus isn't singing.  Albus, could you help me out here?"

Snape loudly yelled, "I will not sing that stupid song!"

The author called back, "You will too sing the lumberjack song!"  He then turned to the headmaster and asked, "Albus?"

Dumbledore nodded his head, and pointed his wand at the potions professor.  Snape immediately went taut, and resumed his song.  Everyone in the hall, particularly the Gryffindors, laughed uncontrollably as Snape pretended to be a cross-dressing woodsman.

"Oh, my!" Harry wheezed.

"Please…" Ron gasped, out of breath, "Please… Colin, please tell me you got a photo of that!"

Colin nodded, and Harry chortled, "I've… Oh, man, that was great!  I've got to go to the bathroom.  That was... wow…"  As Harry left the Great Hall, Snape embarrassedly exited the stage and Dumbledore announced, "The next singer is Ginny Weasley."

Ginny uneasily got on stage, and a soft piano accompaniment came from nowhere.  After a bit, Ginny slowly sang.

_Only you… can make this world seem right._

_Only you… can make the darkness bright._

_Only you and you alone_

_Can thrill me like you do_

_And fill my heart with love for only you…_

Ginny finally finished her soulful song, and Dumbledore again appeared on stage.  "That was magnificent, Miss Weasley," Dumbledore smiled, "and I don't suppose that song went out to anyone in particular?"

Ginny blushed, but loudly called out, "That was for my one true love, Harry Potter!"  Apparently embarrassed by what she had just said, Ginny fled the theater.

Several seconds later, Harry got back from the loo and asked, "Did I miss anything?"

Ron said, "Nope."  
"Nah," Hermione added, "nothing new."

Dumbledore spoke over the students again, "Well, I think we'll call that a night.  Hopefully we can do this again."

"What?" cried Fred Weasley, "Only three people went!  And one of them was a professor.  What about the rest of us?"

"Shut.  Up."  George whispered, "or do you actually want to sing!"

Dumbledore smiled and said, "I'm sorry, Fred.  But if we went through all the students, it would take too long.  So we just go through several of the important ones.  Does anyone mind?"

"NO!" came back a chorus of students.

"Very well!" Dumbledore chuckled, "I see no need to torture you any longer.  Feel free to review before you leave!"

"Huh?" Harry asked Ron.

"Review?" Ron asked back. 

----

Anyways, this will be my last parody for at least 3 weeks (since I will be back at home for the Christmas break, and not have an internet connection).

**_Alright, time for the Flame Awards…_**

**Nightmare on Mary Sue Street**

Actually, I think new reviews have made this a 3-way tie.

_THAT WAS HORRIBLE NOT I HATEF IT NOT IT WAS OK NOT_

(A/N: Er, this one goes in because I can't figure it out.  The closest I can come is thinking that the 'NOT's are part of some Wayne's World type speech, but the 'It was ok not' bit throws me off.  If you can understand this, please e-mail me and explain it to me)

_AVADA KEDAVRA!!!! (A flash of green light illuminates wherever you are reading this and Kevin lays sprawled on the floor, never to write bad fluff stories again)_

_Please die._

**But What About Ron?**

New reviews, again.  Sorry, Cheese Monkey Chloe, but you got bumped off.

_Um.....i found this under parodies............  
Y?  
it was sort of stupid if u ask me  
but the hook ups could be realistic_

(A/N: I don't think this person got the point of the story.)

**Not Another James and Lily Fic!**

Deirdre reigns still.

_PLEASE BE SEVERELY TORTURED, HANGED AND THEN JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR LAST BREATH HAVE YOUR STOMACH CUT OPEN AND STUFFED WITH BURNING COALS!! AND DIE!  
(A/N: I'm only putting up the flame half – since that's the interesting part)_

**Malfoy**** sings.  Voldemort Laments.  A tragic tale.**

Two way tie!

_OMG!! DRACO AND HERMIONE WILL SO NEVER EVER EVER LIKE EVER HOOK UP !  HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? I TOTALLY THINK YOU SHOULD BE TAKEN INTO CAPTIVITY BY THE EVIL CAMELS AND TOTRTURED UNMERCIFULLY BY THE COMMUNIST SQUIRRELS DANCING PINK CROCIDILES!_

_U LITLE PICE OF [deleted – G rating after all]__ LOOK I SHOUD WIN THE FLAME AWARD I'M DA BEST FLAMER LOOKERE- I CANT SPELL AT ALL!!11111 ISNTAT GREAT? YOU ARE BENEAHT ME_YOU GET TAT?!?! CURL UP AND DYE!111___

**Hogwarts: with Hormones**

Wow!  A lot of flame here!

_First, I am going to learn the Cruciatus Curse. Then I am going to find out where you live.  Then I am going to torture you until your brain breaks down and you lose all your higher level thinking and then I am going to continue torturing you until your brain completely shuts down.  Then there won't be anymore stupid parodies written by Kevin_

_Thats__ the worst story ive ever read..IT SUX!!!_

(A/N: Actually, this is a real flame.  This person hates me, although I haven't the faintest clue why.)

_OMG!! herry porter is not gay! people shouldn't be gay, it's a CHILDREN'S BOOK! HELLO??? You sicken me! I hope you are raped by MAD GOATS!! I hope all of your washing is stolen from the washing line! I hope someone puts a red sock in with your white wash! I hope someone... erm... shoves all four books up your NOSE!!_

I know the above reviews are a bit intimidating.  But I have faith.  I know that deep within each of you is the ability to post the most acerbic, sarcastic, cutting, and mocking flame ever.  The review button is calling.


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